Arrogance or Desperation?

I learned something about myself today. I've been feeling rather blue lately, and my muse seems to have flown the coop, and I wasn't exactly sure why. I initially thought it may have to do with having to "talk about it", but then I got a surprise visit from my best friend, who flew all the way out from Cali to see me. :) What I realized was that I might be arrogant.

I'm not arrogant.

My first year here at the Honor Academy was an amazing year (as short as it was). I had some amazing friends, and I was on top of the world. People love really easily over there, and it honestly was a very nice change from what I'd come from.

And then... I came to CCM.

Now don't get me wrong, the people here are great. But they are extremely competitive, as they should be in this industry just to survive. But I'm a person who needs love. I need someone to get excited when they see me.

But I'm NOT arrogant.

Mary Beth keeps making me think, think about how I feel, think about my past, blah blah blah, and with all the thinking, sometimes I wonder if my brain isn't going to fry itself in my skull. But seeing Lexi, and noticing the difference in my friendship with her and my roomies, and even my friendships with Sam, Lauren, etc, the difference was startling enough that it got me thinking down another track.

I don't like making presentations, and I hate being in front of the camera, except when it's in my hand. I want to be loved for the fact that I feel hardly ever loved, in a way I can handle, and I've found that the outspoken word or form of physical affection seems to be the most proficient in accomplishing that. SO no, I'm not arrogant. I think I am more desperate than arrogant, like a starving kid tackles a pile of bread, or a weary college student craves sleep. I want to be loved. Simple as that.

~Char