"Dark am I, yet lovely,
daughters of Jerusalem,
dark like the tents of Kedar,
like the tent curtains of Solomon.
Do not stare at me because I am dark,
because I am darkened by the sun.
My mother’s sons were angry with me
and made me take care of the vineyards;
my own vineyard I had to neglect.
Tell me, you whom I love,
where you graze your flock
and where you rest your sheep at midday.
Why should I be like a veiled woman
beside the flocks of your friends?" -Song of Solomon 1:5-7
This verse speaks to me in a strange way. She, the bride of the king, the wisest king, was used and abused by her family, and scorned by her neighbors. Yet still he loved her, above all the others. It's inspiring to know that even humans can love like that, and I know above all else, my King loves me that way too. My scars, my "darkness", is still lovely to Him. My years of self torture and anguish, beautiful in His eyes, as my other attributes, all of which He gave me.
It goes on to ask why she should feel the need to hide her face among those who know Him. It should be like that in the church, the bride of Christ, for those with pasts to be able to hold their redeemed head up among other believers. Where does this judgment and exile-attitude come from?
There's more to learn in the Song of Solomon, even if it is notorious for being the most scandalous book in the Bible. Taylor made a point of it being a perfect example of the intimacy between Jesus and his Bride, the church.
~Char
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
ENG DP
In less than 24 hours, I will be all packed and ready to go! Where, you may ask? Why, to the sweet city-village of Decatur, Georgia for our Atlanta ATF event. I am quite thoroughly excited for this event, because my first 8 months as an intern were spent calling every youth pastor in the beautiful state of Georgia to invite them to the 08-09 Here Comes Trouble tour when it pulled through there in April. So you could say this is my baby event!
I will be going as a ENG DP, which translated, is a camera operator/producer, collecting b-roll (raw footage: crowd shots, bands, incoming teenagers, etc) and interviews of attendees throughout the weekend. This, I feel, is a very exciting job. I'm a bit of an extrovert myself, and my job this weekend allows me the privilege of talking to dozens and dozens of people, as "work related conversation". It also allows me to go places like right in front of the stage, backstage, and basically anywhere, in order to get the footage we need for the event highlights (a quick 2-3 minute video of the biggest things that happened for that specific event, shown back on campus during chapel for the rest of the interns).
I think my favorite thing about this weekend is that it's a Red event. What's that? During the spring semester of our tour, we hit two towns every weekend, double teaming it. The team that's been doing it since August is called the Blue team, and Atlanta will be the birthing event for the Red team, which formed in January, and has been practicing and practicing and practicing and... well, you get the point! This is their first event, and I'm very excited to see how it will turn out. Alot of my closest friends from my first year are on the team, so during break times and such I'll be able to spend some good ol' Quality Time with them! They'll be on the road for the next several months after that, so this is precious time for us.
For today though, aside from packing, I will be stretching and working out my ENG Producer muscles, which haven't had much action since last summer's GE and XC summer stretch. Should be interesting, because as creative as we are, CCMers don't give very good practice interviews! I suppose I shall just have to make up some funny questions to keep them on their toes. Oh, yes, one of the biggest things about doing ENG isn't necessarily good camera skills, though keeping the camera steady and focused IS important. I consider an engaged conversation to be far more important however. Many people like being in front of a camera, but you won't get good interviews to use if your interviewee feels like you're not listening, because you're just running through a list of pre-thought out questions that aren't personal. My thoughts are ask a rather broad but semi-focused question, like "Tell me something you've experienced at the event so far", or "What do you see God doing in your youth group at this event", which will get them talking for a little bit, and give you pieces of information about them or their youth group that you can glean further, more detailed questions from, which gives you an organized personal interview, and them feeling special for their short 15 minutes of fame. :)
Gotta fly!
~Char
I will be going as a ENG DP, which translated, is a camera operator/producer, collecting b-roll (raw footage: crowd shots, bands, incoming teenagers, etc) and interviews of attendees throughout the weekend. This, I feel, is a very exciting job. I'm a bit of an extrovert myself, and my job this weekend allows me the privilege of talking to dozens and dozens of people, as "work related conversation". It also allows me to go places like right in front of the stage, backstage, and basically anywhere, in order to get the footage we need for the event highlights (a quick 2-3 minute video of the biggest things that happened for that specific event, shown back on campus during chapel for the rest of the interns).
I think my favorite thing about this weekend is that it's a Red event. What's that? During the spring semester of our tour, we hit two towns every weekend, double teaming it. The team that's been doing it since August is called the Blue team, and Atlanta will be the birthing event for the Red team, which formed in January, and has been practicing and practicing and practicing and... well, you get the point! This is their first event, and I'm very excited to see how it will turn out. Alot of my closest friends from my first year are on the team, so during break times and such I'll be able to spend some good ol' Quality Time with them! They'll be on the road for the next several months after that, so this is precious time for us.
For today though, aside from packing, I will be stretching and working out my ENG Producer muscles, which haven't had much action since last summer's GE and XC summer stretch. Should be interesting, because as creative as we are, CCMers don't give very good practice interviews! I suppose I shall just have to make up some funny questions to keep them on their toes. Oh, yes, one of the biggest things about doing ENG isn't necessarily good camera skills, though keeping the camera steady and focused IS important. I consider an engaged conversation to be far more important however. Many people like being in front of a camera, but you won't get good interviews to use if your interviewee feels like you're not listening, because you're just running through a list of pre-thought out questions that aren't personal. My thoughts are ask a rather broad but semi-focused question, like "Tell me something you've experienced at the event so far", or "What do you see God doing in your youth group at this event", which will get them talking for a little bit, and give you pieces of information about them or their youth group that you can glean further, more detailed questions from, which gives you an organized personal interview, and them feeling special for their short 15 minutes of fame. :)
Gotta fly!
~Char
February 15th, 1969
Happy Birthday Dad. Today you are the wonderful and magical age of 42. Miss and love you,
~Maggie
~Maggie
Monday, February 14, 2011
To My Valentine
Ah, the day of Love. Or for some, the day of eternal torment and reminder of how "horrible" life is as a single person. I thumb my nose at that, but I will say I am one of the majority, in being single that is. So far, today has been quite lovely, even without a beau on my arm. I've gotten a beautiful (and orange!!!) rose from my dear brother core, been surprised with my favorite candy bar (butterfinger if you're wondering...) and all around had a very peaceful and joyful day. One of those accumulatively wonderful days. What is there possibly to be upset about???
I was doing a little research into the history of Valentine's day, and it's quite intriguing that this day of "love" has had such a BLOODY history. I'm sure many of us has heard of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre of Prohibition days, but the whole feast day STARTED with the shedding of blood. St. Valentine was a priest in the Roman empire, during the reign of Claudius. Claudius was looking to amass a large amry for conquest, but was infuriated to find that many young men refused to volunteer to join because they didn't want to leave their wives and familes. So Claudius's solution? Dissolve all existing marriages and cancel every engagement. This of course drove the public crazy, but there were some who secretly rebelled, all in the name of love. Valentine, along with a fellow priest, Marius, was one such "rebel with a cause". He secretly married dozens of young couples, until his arrest around the year 270 AD. Sentenced to death for his "treachery", Valentine spent the remainder of his life in a tower, with couples in love throwing encouraging notes and flowers through the bars of his cell window. The story goes that he brefriended a guards daughter, and the day of his death, sent her a letter signed, "from your Valentine". Supposedly this is how the tradition of sending gifts and cards began.
Granted, the day was originally a pagan holiday to celebrate Juno, goddess of women and marriage. But who says holidays can't change?
By far though, my favorite story of "rebellious love" is that of a son, one obedient even unto death, willing to die for the ones that he loved: us. The greatest love story of all time, that of the cross, still rings true today, for single, engaged, married, anyone. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world (as many like to believe), but to save the world through Him." - John 3:16-17
Much love to all, both friends, family, and others,
~Char
Thursday, February 10, 2011
And so it begins...
Tonight marks the official beginning of this weekend's LTE (Life Transforming Event). I'm very excited for what will come, but for now, dear reader, I must bid thee a good night and pray for sweet dreams. Pray that God may also find favor with me and allow me to draw near, for intimacy with Him above all else is what I seek. :)
~Char
~Char
Finding The Passion Again
Doug called a team meeting today, just a Q&A type session, to see if anyone wanted to throw some ideas around, or had any qualms that needed quelching. Somehow I managed to find myself assigned fully the task of music cue sheets once more, as well as a look(?) regarding my movie question. Hm...
Anyway, his second goal was to get people thinking about their craft, and the passion that backed it. A former staffer had apparently been doing some sort of 10 day challenge, and he wanted us to get involved in a similar challenge, CCM style. Basically, every day for 10 days, you come up with a new piece of art, with a specific subject of the day. I'm not sure how this is going to work, but I'm going to try it. He wants us to reignite the passion that pushes us forward, and gives us ambition and reason to flex our creative muscles, because doing that is what makes someone great. The passion...the ambition....
So what IS my passion? Why do I put in these long, tedious hours slaving away at the mill, labeling and relabeling dozens of tapes, logging hours of footage, and refining and growing my skills in other areas? The allure of the business, as unglamorous as it truly is, calls to me. The unique ability to be able to create from nothing whole new worlds, characters, circumstances, romances, epics, all of it. The energy involved in this endeavor is contagious. And then there are the people. Millions of people all around the world plop themselves down in front of their televisions and watch movies, television shows, and commercials till their brains rot. My sister just so happens to be one of them.
I see characters like Hannah Montana, or Sonny with a Chance, or any one of those teeny bopper shows, and I shudder. Thy are so obnoxious and rude and sarcastic and disobedient to their parents. And then there are the shows like "Secret Life of the American Teenager"... one stupid and idiotic decision after another. I mean, how many people can a girl sleep with before she gets knocked up or worse? How "mature" can a teenager really be with a baby? I know my own background speaks of a similar story, but really, broadcasting that on live air is like pumping mind numbing poison into the air all around us. I don't want my sister seeing all of that.
I want to bring God back to television. Like Doug said, when they came up with the megaphone, they were thrilled that people could hear the gospel all the way to the back of the tent. When the microphone was invented, hallelujah! A whole stadium full of people could be reached! And the radio... we could go anywhere with the gospel then! But when the television came out, it was condemned, called the "Satan box", and it's still being rejected by Christians today. Now, I understand if you feel there are better things you could be doing with your time, but rejecting a thing for the sake of it is no good excuse for non-action. What better tool than the one that spreads so prevelantly the lifestyle that is the exact opposite of the one we seek? It's like injecting the cure directly into the virus. Eats away at it from the inside out, until there's nothing left of it, piece by piece it disappears.
That's my passion, where my heart is. To bring God to the world, and even for those who aren't religious, to give them a better option of television. To show other little girls like Abbie that there's a way of living that doesn't alienate your parents and make you uber rebellious simply because you saw it on television. No one likes a brat, and certainly people who make horrible life decisions aren't as popular and living as well a life as they make out on the boob tube.
So every tape labeled. Every minute of footage logged and transcribed. Every back ache, head ache, bruise, sleepless night, missing items, reprimand, and blown tired. Every insult from those who don't understand. Every boycott and censorship. Every rejected application. All of it. It's all worth it in the end. It's all worth the effort, because at the end of the day, whether i see it or not, it's chipping away at a culture that has become increasingly numb, "young America raped on the sidewalk", and finally someone is paying attention and doing something about it.
~Char
Anyway, his second goal was to get people thinking about their craft, and the passion that backed it. A former staffer had apparently been doing some sort of 10 day challenge, and he wanted us to get involved in a similar challenge, CCM style. Basically, every day for 10 days, you come up with a new piece of art, with a specific subject of the day. I'm not sure how this is going to work, but I'm going to try it. He wants us to reignite the passion that pushes us forward, and gives us ambition and reason to flex our creative muscles, because doing that is what makes someone great. The passion...the ambition....
So what IS my passion? Why do I put in these long, tedious hours slaving away at the mill, labeling and relabeling dozens of tapes, logging hours of footage, and refining and growing my skills in other areas? The allure of the business, as unglamorous as it truly is, calls to me. The unique ability to be able to create from nothing whole new worlds, characters, circumstances, romances, epics, all of it. The energy involved in this endeavor is contagious. And then there are the people. Millions of people all around the world plop themselves down in front of their televisions and watch movies, television shows, and commercials till their brains rot. My sister just so happens to be one of them.
I see characters like Hannah Montana, or Sonny with a Chance, or any one of those teeny bopper shows, and I shudder. Thy are so obnoxious and rude and sarcastic and disobedient to their parents. And then there are the shows like "Secret Life of the American Teenager"... one stupid and idiotic decision after another. I mean, how many people can a girl sleep with before she gets knocked up or worse? How "mature" can a teenager really be with a baby? I know my own background speaks of a similar story, but really, broadcasting that on live air is like pumping mind numbing poison into the air all around us. I don't want my sister seeing all of that.
I want to bring God back to television. Like Doug said, when they came up with the megaphone, they were thrilled that people could hear the gospel all the way to the back of the tent. When the microphone was invented, hallelujah! A whole stadium full of people could be reached! And the radio... we could go anywhere with the gospel then! But when the television came out, it was condemned, called the "Satan box", and it's still being rejected by Christians today. Now, I understand if you feel there are better things you could be doing with your time, but rejecting a thing for the sake of it is no good excuse for non-action. What better tool than the one that spreads so prevelantly the lifestyle that is the exact opposite of the one we seek? It's like injecting the cure directly into the virus. Eats away at it from the inside out, until there's nothing left of it, piece by piece it disappears.
That's my passion, where my heart is. To bring God to the world, and even for those who aren't religious, to give them a better option of television. To show other little girls like Abbie that there's a way of living that doesn't alienate your parents and make you uber rebellious simply because you saw it on television. No one likes a brat, and certainly people who make horrible life decisions aren't as popular and living as well a life as they make out on the boob tube.
So every tape labeled. Every minute of footage logged and transcribed. Every back ache, head ache, bruise, sleepless night, missing items, reprimand, and blown tired. Every insult from those who don't understand. Every boycott and censorship. Every rejected application. All of it. It's all worth it in the end. It's all worth the effort, because at the end of the day, whether i see it or not, it's chipping away at a culture that has become increasingly numb, "young America raped on the sidewalk", and finally someone is paying attention and doing something about it.
~Char
It Takes All Kinds
In 2007, a CCN special covered extremists of both the Christian and Muslim religions. While I personally do not find fairness in the comparative of suicidal bombers and teenagers seeking to make their life and world better, I must concede that there are those who claim to follow Christ that leave a very bad taste in the mouths of not only those outside the church, but those within. I feel there are 3 types of "Christians": the Crusaders, the Lovers, and the Seat Warmers.
The Seat Warmers seem to be the most common, and often most frustrating. They come to church every Sunday, smiling and nodding through Pastor's sermon, give their tithes, and go to their Sunday lunches feeling generally well pleased with themselves. Unfortunately, that's about all they give of themselves. Their lives are their own, not truly belonging to Christ, and thus impotent to His kingdom. When it comes down to the hardwire, they choose the easy way out, and it doesn't affect their consciences any because they never really had conviction to back it up. They could be anyone: the high school football coach who knows every hymn by heart and every swear word on the foot ball field; the stay at home mom, who believes righteousness is found in good works like pies and hugs; the A+ student, who just sees God as another check mark on their life list of accomplishments. Or the store clerk, who knows nothing else but church on Sundays, and who has a hangover from his party last night.
The Crusaders are a little rarer, but more vocal. They are the ones who manage to get us on television, and not in an Oprah Winfrey kinda way. Think more like Ted Bundy. You know who I'm talking about, the ones who even their mothers deny knowing because they've just blown up an abortion clinic, or shot one of the doctors who works there, or mobbed a homosexual or transvestite walking home down the wrong alley at the wrong time. These people give God a bad name, and it's little wonder that when someone tries to stand up and say God's way is the right way, we're opposed and called intolerant bigots who murder people to "save lives", namely those of innocent children. My argument with them lies in the ironic belief that the "sanctity of life" applies only to those who cannot lift a hand to help themselves. Athiest and God-fearer alike cringes at the sound of a crusader on their soap box.
That really only leaves one other type of Christian. Jesus said, "If you love me, do as I do". I believe there are those who truly seek to love as Jesus did, to share His story with the world and show them life and freedom such as they've never known. The term "christian" was a Greek term used to describe Christ's followers, "little Jesus's", because their actions and love and miracles were so like Christ's that people who had never personally met this Yeshua of Nazareth would ask, "Is this He who they speak of?" This group of people is often hindered by those who are crusading for the god of their own creation, or who are drowning in apathy and don't even realize it.
What kind of Christian do you think you are? Is your life your own? Or have you made the ultimate sacrifice and given every piece of you to the service and love of the Creator? Think about it, because next time Dateline makes a special, it may be about you....
~Char
The Seat Warmers seem to be the most common, and often most frustrating. They come to church every Sunday, smiling and nodding through Pastor's sermon, give their tithes, and go to their Sunday lunches feeling generally well pleased with themselves. Unfortunately, that's about all they give of themselves. Their lives are their own, not truly belonging to Christ, and thus impotent to His kingdom. When it comes down to the hardwire, they choose the easy way out, and it doesn't affect their consciences any because they never really had conviction to back it up. They could be anyone: the high school football coach who knows every hymn by heart and every swear word on the foot ball field; the stay at home mom, who believes righteousness is found in good works like pies and hugs; the A+ student, who just sees God as another check mark on their life list of accomplishments. Or the store clerk, who knows nothing else but church on Sundays, and who has a hangover from his party last night.
The Crusaders are a little rarer, but more vocal. They are the ones who manage to get us on television, and not in an Oprah Winfrey kinda way. Think more like Ted Bundy. You know who I'm talking about, the ones who even their mothers deny knowing because they've just blown up an abortion clinic, or shot one of the doctors who works there, or mobbed a homosexual or transvestite walking home down the wrong alley at the wrong time. These people give God a bad name, and it's little wonder that when someone tries to stand up and say God's way is the right way, we're opposed and called intolerant bigots who murder people to "save lives", namely those of innocent children. My argument with them lies in the ironic belief that the "sanctity of life" applies only to those who cannot lift a hand to help themselves. Athiest and God-fearer alike cringes at the sound of a crusader on their soap box.
That really only leaves one other type of Christian. Jesus said, "If you love me, do as I do". I believe there are those who truly seek to love as Jesus did, to share His story with the world and show them life and freedom such as they've never known. The term "christian" was a Greek term used to describe Christ's followers, "little Jesus's", because their actions and love and miracles were so like Christ's that people who had never personally met this Yeshua of Nazareth would ask, "Is this He who they speak of?" This group of people is often hindered by those who are crusading for the god of their own creation, or who are drowning in apathy and don't even realize it.
What kind of Christian do you think you are? Is your life your own? Or have you made the ultimate sacrifice and given every piece of you to the service and love of the Creator? Think about it, because next time Dateline makes a special, it may be about you....
~Char
God Does Not Hide Himself
Every night, on my long lonely walk from work back to the dorms, I pause on the top of the hill and take a moment to look at the stars. They are so beautiful, and awe inspiring. Cultures all over time and space have been fascinated by the stars since the very beginning, and every person has spent even a single moment looking up at the stars in wonder. And why should we? Each twinkle is like a beckoning friend, evoking curiosity and wonder in our hearts. For some this leads to a calling for the galaxies and beyond; for others, it's a cause to celebrate, for as it says in Psalm 19:
"The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge.
They have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them.
Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world. "
How amazing is that? The stars are so bright and beautiful as it is, but they were MADE to point us towards the everlasting Light that will never burn out or explode into nothingness. Not only that, but "He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. " (Psalm 147:4) How awesome is that? He told Abraham to count the stars in the heavens, or the sands on the shore, and Abraham couldn't, but God could. And He does!
Not only does He count the stars, and name each one, but he also records every tear we cry (Psalm 56:8). Each detail is important to God, from the hugest supernova to the smallest salty tear cried by the loneliest heart. It's like a massive inventory list of the heavens and the earth.
With every inventory checklist we do, we come to realize where everything is, in it's place, and we place a value on it. Does not God do the same thing with us? He knew us before our own mothers did, in her womb (Psalm 139:13, Psalm 51:6), and lists our very tears, knows our every breathe. He doesn't even SLEEP for thinking of us (Psalm 121:3-4). IN the book of Matthew, even, we find out just how much more precious we are to Him than the beautiful flowers or the song sparrow (6:26-30).
With how important we are to God, don't you think He'd want us to know Him? To love Him back? He doesn't need our love, but He created us to LOVE us. It is our purpose in life, above all else, to love him in return. The heavens declare the glory of God, His, love for us that is never ending. How much brighter do they seem to us now, now that each glow is a reminder of the Light of Life that burns in our hearts for us each day.
~Char
"The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge.
They have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them.
Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world. "
How amazing is that? The stars are so bright and beautiful as it is, but they were MADE to point us towards the everlasting Light that will never burn out or explode into nothingness. Not only that, but "He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. " (Psalm 147:4) How awesome is that? He told Abraham to count the stars in the heavens, or the sands on the shore, and Abraham couldn't, but God could. And He does!
Not only does He count the stars, and name each one, but he also records every tear we cry (Psalm 56:8). Each detail is important to God, from the hugest supernova to the smallest salty tear cried by the loneliest heart. It's like a massive inventory list of the heavens and the earth.
With every inventory checklist we do, we come to realize where everything is, in it's place, and we place a value on it. Does not God do the same thing with us? He knew us before our own mothers did, in her womb (Psalm 139:13, Psalm 51:6), and lists our very tears, knows our every breathe. He doesn't even SLEEP for thinking of us (Psalm 121:3-4). IN the book of Matthew, even, we find out just how much more precious we are to Him than the beautiful flowers or the song sparrow (6:26-30).
With how important we are to God, don't you think He'd want us to know Him? To love Him back? He doesn't need our love, but He created us to LOVE us. It is our purpose in life, above all else, to love him in return. The heavens declare the glory of God, His, love for us that is never ending. How much brighter do they seem to us now, now that each glow is a reminder of the Light of Life that burns in our hearts for us each day.
~Char
What a to-do to die to day at a minute or two till two...
So as of right now, I don’t really have a specific title other than “production intern”, which is a title shared with basically everyone in my program. I’m aiming for DP (Director of Photography), and Lead Makeup Artist, but for now, I’m a bit more of a jack of all trades.
Last summer I was Producer/DP for several sets of ENG (Electronic News Gathering) we did for our Xtreme Camps and Global Expeditions events. This included camera work in the field, leading interviews, and doing a bit of snooping around for possible events to record, like the big GE lunch dance (was a lot cooler than it sounds). This also included labeling and storing tapes in our library, and logging most of the footage.
Another project I was an integral part of was the ATF TV Music Cue Sheet team. Basically, with every ATF TV episode we send in to God TV or some other broadcasting network, we must also send what is called a music cue sheet. This protects us from copyright infringement and also allows for the bands shown in each episode to receive their due royalties. Keeps everyone happy, but I must say, after the 3rd or 4th Unhindered Special, you begin to wonder if maybe they shouldn’t do their own promotions, while humming along to “We Are The Redeemed”.
I’m also currently working alongside a few of our official DPs here in the studio, learning camera techniques and lighting, including studio lighting, green screen lighting, and outdoor lighting, for scenes that are less than ideal. Being in my second year here, I can tell you what 3-point lighting is (not a 3-point turn tho), how many watts you can plug into each wall (this IS important if you don’t want to fry the circuits), and what not to do with tapes and cell phones, among other things. Needless to say, there’s a lot more to camera work than simply picking it up and pushing the big red button. I mean, who knew how handy C47’s would be? ;)
One of my favorite things so far to do though is makeup. Ashton and I have been doing a lot of experimenting in that department, from supermodel super dramatic makeup, to making old people out 16 year olds, and even zombies (LOVE zombies!). We’re currently setting our sights on making a mini-series of makeup tutorials for future interns, and maybe even youtube. This includes basics, like the different uses for each brush, the great debate of cream versus powder, and so much more, but also more complicated endeavors, like LIQUID LATEX!
For now, that’s what I do almost every day. More to follow as we go to our live events, or on the road with our Professional Encounters.
See you in the end credits
~Char
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Moment Of Truth
Sitting here, alone, up on this ancient couch, I'm feeling rather lonely, yet.... not? I don't know if that makes sense, but some nights, it's hard being around people. Hard dealing with the overexaggerated excitement and drama.
Ha, does that whole first paragraph make me a loner, or do others feel that way sometimes? So overcome by the tidal wave of emotions that go on around them, they feel the need to escape, even if into their own minds, using their headphones to keep the world at bay?I feel a tad like maybe Edgar Alan Poe and Regina Spektor all rolled up into one, with a tiny twinge of James Rollins. I'm sure Tyler Whetstone would have something to say about that combination :P
Anyway, perhaps it would be best, for you, dear reader, if I stopped typing. I'm sure my brain has become addlepated enough right now that this really IS just a bunch of nonsense that won't make much sense even to me in the morning....
~Char
Ha, does that whole first paragraph make me a loner, or do others feel that way sometimes? So overcome by the tidal wave of emotions that go on around them, they feel the need to escape, even if into their own minds, using their headphones to keep the world at bay?I feel a tad like maybe Edgar Alan Poe and Regina Spektor all rolled up into one, with a tiny twinge of James Rollins. I'm sure Tyler Whetstone would have something to say about that combination :P
Anyway, perhaps it would be best, for you, dear reader, if I stopped typing. I'm sure my brain has become addlepated enough right now that this really IS just a bunch of nonsense that won't make much sense even to me in the morning....
~Char
Realizing Reality (Making One Up As I Go...)
Sometimes I think in terms of music. Not so much the musical notes, but with the fluidity and motion of the piece itself. My mind creates images and almost an entire world from a beat, the melody's peaks and ebbing drawing a new reality of characters and movement. Maybe that sounds crazy, but the world comes alive and more dramatic with a tune. For example, right now, I'm listening to "In Motion", a song on the Social Network soundtrack. Has a kind of techno feel to it, but there's a little more to it, and right now, the beat is building. What's my mind's eye see? It started with a thick club scene, like a scene from the second matrix, very primal. At 2:40(ish), the beat suddenly drops, almost silence, and again, a new image: that of someone standing there in complete stillness, finger extended toward a single raindrop suspended in time and space. And then the beat picks up and the droplet bursts on the ground, and suddenly it's a great rain storm: thousands upon thousands of droplets creating an evergrowing funnel of energy around the person who was first in the club. And then it all digitally dissolves, like a scene from Scott Pilgrim or something. It's crazy what the mind can come up with.
This late at night, when I'm trying to write, I find that listening to a show is a BAD idea. SO I pump up the beats. Depends on how my day went, usually, but I most often like listening to something wordless, something that gives my mind a little more freedom and room for creative license. One of my favorite people in the world was helping me overcome writer's block with some prompts, and so far, these two methods seem to be the most helpful when I'm stuck in a writing funk. Or heck, even just a creative funk, or a funk of any sort. :)
As of right now, my reality is in the world of music (even if this makes me sound like druggie, I don't care). Trying to enjoy the solitude and ease of escape into this said reality, away from the pain, and overcoming the melancholy of today. So far, it's a very lovely world indeed. Time to turn up the tempo...
~Char In Motion
This late at night, when I'm trying to write, I find that listening to a show is a BAD idea. SO I pump up the beats. Depends on how my day went, usually, but I most often like listening to something wordless, something that gives my mind a little more freedom and room for creative license. One of my favorite people in the world was helping me overcome writer's block with some prompts, and so far, these two methods seem to be the most helpful when I'm stuck in a writing funk. Or heck, even just a creative funk, or a funk of any sort. :)
As of right now, my reality is in the world of music (even if this makes me sound like druggie, I don't care). Trying to enjoy the solitude and ease of escape into this said reality, away from the pain, and overcoming the melancholy of today. So far, it's a very lovely world indeed. Time to turn up the tempo...
~Char In Motion
Friday, February 4, 2011
Show Me
I've been looking for love in all the wrong places,
Looking for hope in any one of these faces,
Trying to find myself where I was not
Seeking to find everything that I'd lost.
I'm worthless, toxic, lowlier than the rest,
Trying to give it all, but my worst is my best
And now I stand here on the edge
Leaning farther at the razor's edge
Trying to find a way out
Show me the love I once knew
Show me the power of the cross
That drew me to your heart
Show me the word of truth
And help me find the love that I lost
Hiding in the corner of my heart
Is a lost and lonely girl, tearing herself apart.
She cries a lonely night, her tears falling by
Never knowing what the dawn will bring.
A dark and fearful shadow falls upon her form
As the nightmare deepens in her faded, broken heart.
And as she lays there in the ashes,
Broken and bleeding,
She finds her escape again in the dark
Show me the love I once knew
Show me the power of the cross
That drew me to your heart
Show me the word of truth
And help me find the love that I lost
Is there anyone who hears me?
Is there anyone who cares
That this lost and lonely child is falling in despair?
Is there a hand that she can hold to
Or a face that she can run to
When the nightmare fills her night
And the day light runs away?
Show me the love I once knew (show me the love)
Show me the power of the cross
that drew me to your heart (to your heart)
Show me the word of truth
And help me find the love I lost
Show me
Heal me
Break me open again
Show me
Move me
Show me your face again...
Makers and Breakers
Give me the laws of society, straight forward and true. Give me a guideline of do's and dont's and maybe then I'll understand. I'm so tired of people dancing around me on eggshells, pretending to be one thing, merely hiding behind a mask of deciept and dishonesty, and truly being another. For once, I would like gut and brutal honesty, true emotions, and loyalty. This... this...netherworld is breaking my real reality, and distorting it. I'm just ready for someone to step up and be real.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
A Confident Lady
I've heard said that confidence becomes a young lady, that is desirable and often very beneficial in a relationship, in any sort of relationship. Confidence is also a sign of character and quality of life.
Needless to say, my life has been a rollercoaster of emotions, which has given a serious beating to my ego, in good and bad ways. Confidence hasn't always been on my top list of priorities insofar as I cared to show the rest of the world. But recently, I have rediscovered a piece of my dignity, and self respect, which has been key to surviving the reintegration into the Honor Academy.
Judgment seems to somehow be born of religion, both judicially and personally. Without moral laws, there can be no judgments, and yet somehow I'm not sure it's a good thing when no one teaches people the difference between the two types of judging. Here at school, I can't help but notice that lack of wisdom as I feel the stares and hear the whispers as I move around campus. I've been judged, and found wanting to many.
But walking across the grassy knoll today on my way to work, I realized something. Despite what the others may think, despite what the others may say or do, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
Confidence is not only an outflow of character, I believe it's also an intake of strength. I choose to ignore the judgments and the ridicule, and thus their power is lost to me. I choose instead to find joy in the day, in the now falling beautiful snow. Therein lies my confidence, and thus, healing. If I keep stepping out in that, then there's going to come a day when that intake dwindles as the outflow grows, because I'll have found a source in myself (rooted in God) to support the flow independently, if that makes sense.
Haha, so today, I say this in all confidence, I like myself. ALOT. So... go check out my other blog. Which isn't so much a day to day blog as it is a map to the intricacies of my brain, an adventure that delves into the mind of an ever growing young lady discovering who she was, who she is, and who she's destined to be.
~Char
http://foreverchar.blogspot.com
Needless to say, my life has been a rollercoaster of emotions, which has given a serious beating to my ego, in good and bad ways. Confidence hasn't always been on my top list of priorities insofar as I cared to show the rest of the world. But recently, I have rediscovered a piece of my dignity, and self respect, which has been key to surviving the reintegration into the Honor Academy.
Judgment seems to somehow be born of religion, both judicially and personally. Without moral laws, there can be no judgments, and yet somehow I'm not sure it's a good thing when no one teaches people the difference between the two types of judging. Here at school, I can't help but notice that lack of wisdom as I feel the stares and hear the whispers as I move around campus. I've been judged, and found wanting to many.
But walking across the grassy knoll today on my way to work, I realized something. Despite what the others may think, despite what the others may say or do, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
Confidence is not only an outflow of character, I believe it's also an intake of strength. I choose to ignore the judgments and the ridicule, and thus their power is lost to me. I choose instead to find joy in the day, in the now falling beautiful snow. Therein lies my confidence, and thus, healing. If I keep stepping out in that, then there's going to come a day when that intake dwindles as the outflow grows, because I'll have found a source in myself (rooted in God) to support the flow independently, if that makes sense.
Haha, so today, I say this in all confidence, I like myself. ALOT. So... go check out my other blog. Which isn't so much a day to day blog as it is a map to the intricacies of my brain, an adventure that delves into the mind of an ever growing young lady discovering who she was, who she is, and who she's destined to be.
~Char
http://foreverchar.blogspot.com
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