I flubbed that one...

So I was assigned ENG for the San Diego event this weekend, and things did not go as well as I had hoped or planned... Lemme start at the beginning...

San Diego is in California (obviously), which just so happens to be my second favorite state (Alaska being the first). So I was quite thrilled to be going. The bus ride was a little long, but me and one of the girls decided we were going to "document" everything on the trip, which turned out to be epicly hilarious. :P

Anyway, so we get to California, and one of the guys from my first brother core runs up and informs me that one of our sisters is going to be at the event. Now, normally, I would be extremely excited at this turn of events, but said sister happens to be dating my ex. We three don't exactly get along right now, for a lot of reasons, so this news wasn't that exciting. What I didn't realize was the little surprise she was bringing with her, who happened to be sitting in the sanctuary Thursday afternoon. Needless to say, there was a "very important job that needed my absolutely needed my attention that very second". Dealing with my ex was probably the most difficult thing to do this weekend, despite never actually verbally speaking to him.

It's one thing trying to get over someone when they live half a world away, and you don't actually have to physically deal with them. It's a whole other ballgame when they are practically right under you for an entire weekend, passive-aggressively refusing to move out of your way so you can do your job with minimal distraction.*sigh* ya, this weekend, I was quite thoroughly distracted, and not in a good way. Interviewing people was hard, seeing as how I tend to internalize when confronted like this, and having to be a happy extroverted producer wasn't exactly what I was looking for.

This led to a very frustrating conversation with my manager, Doug, and a kick in the pants from myself. Honestly, I'm glad I'm not going to Sacramento, because the possibility of a repeat of this weekend is highly unappealing, and despite what I gained this weekend, alot was taken out of me emotionally, and thus, physically.

I will say this though: after spending some time with my awesome best friend Lex, and matching up our timelines insofar as dating him went, I realized the truth about my current situation and what ACTUALLY happened in the relationship, which in turn returned even the smallest portion of my dignity. I wasn't a woman scorned because of failures in the relationship (which had all been blamed on me), it was in fact a matter of infidelity and of a jerk thinking he could get away with pitting two best friends against each other across the thousand miles that seperated us, effectively having his "cake" and eating it too. Funny thing though, kinda backfired on him when she broke up with his sorry self and we became friends again. Haha, sucker.

Ok, sorry if this blog sounds kind of morose and sarcastic, but that's kinda how this weekend was. As I said though, I got my dignity back, and a large chunk of that spark in me. My roomates actually commented on it after we practically redecorated the entire room.

Hello again, awesome world, and good bye (and good riddance) stupid jerks who think they can use and abuse women and their hearts. Your days are numbered.

~Char

‎"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people that are reckless with yours." -KV

Arrogance or Desperation?

I learned something about myself today. I've been feeling rather blue lately, and my muse seems to have flown the coop, and I wasn't exactly sure why. I initially thought it may have to do with having to "talk about it", but then I got a surprise visit from my best friend, who flew all the way out from Cali to see me. :) What I realized was that I might be arrogant.

I'm not arrogant.

My first year here at the Honor Academy was an amazing year (as short as it was). I had some amazing friends, and I was on top of the world. People love really easily over there, and it honestly was a very nice change from what I'd come from.

And then... I came to CCM.

Now don't get me wrong, the people here are great. But they are extremely competitive, as they should be in this industry just to survive. But I'm a person who needs love. I need someone to get excited when they see me.

But I'm NOT arrogant.

Mary Beth keeps making me think, think about how I feel, think about my past, blah blah blah, and with all the thinking, sometimes I wonder if my brain isn't going to fry itself in my skull. But seeing Lexi, and noticing the difference in my friendship with her and my roomies, and even my friendships with Sam, Lauren, etc, the difference was startling enough that it got me thinking down another track.

I don't like making presentations, and I hate being in front of the camera, except when it's in my hand. I want to be loved for the fact that I feel hardly ever loved, in a way I can handle, and I've found that the outspoken word or form of physical affection seems to be the most proficient in accomplishing that. SO no, I'm not arrogant. I think I am more desperate than arrogant, like a starving kid tackles a pile of bread, or a weary college student craves sleep. I want to be loved. Simple as that.

~Char

"Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel"

You know why it's so weird to "talk about it"? Because everyone else makes it weird. You sit there, you pour your heart out, and then there's that strange awkward pause as they try to reconcile in their minds what just spewed out of your mouth. Then, inevitably, one of two things happens: the pity party, or the fixer upper.

Idk which is worse, to be honest. The people who pity you are annoying, because suddenly, where they thought there was a whole person, normal human being, is now a pitiable broken miserable waif of a thing, worthy only of their "love and tender affection in their time of need". Or they'll say something like, "Oh, um….ummm… *awkward pause*… sorry?" THAT's comforting…It's not like people are even looking for comfort half the time. It's the other person who wanted to freaking know!

And then there are the fixer uppers. Those headstrong and confident souls who think they understand the workings of the world, and want to make everything right within it. They sit there and tell you all the different steps and processes you have to go through, and you're stuck sitting there having to listen to their "kind advice", which is really based on assumptions about your life based on the very little they actually know of it. Then, when the conversation is over, they'll send you on your merry little way, and leave feeling rather trite in their assessment and execution therein, while you are left wondering who let them out of the funny farm and if you should even bother adding their advice to the long list of the same crap you've gotten from everyone else.

I mean, think about it: most of the people you come across, their life sucks in some way, but not usually the same way. How many people can honestly sit there and answer in the affirmative that their dad got knocked off by a man who ran an illegal chop shop? And besides that, how many people can say they have 5 parents on top of that, and 9 siblings, and explain WHY without having a breakdown?  And that's just MY story...

Want to know why it's weird to talk about it? Because other people DON'T GET IT, and they never really will. The shrinks ought to think of that when they wonder why kids clam up when asked about all their dirty little secrets...

The Problem Isn't Fixed

When I was in 3rd grade, my mom took me to the eye doctor, because I was complaining of my eyes hurting and blurriness. The doctor said I had bad eye sight, so they gave me glasses. As I got older, my eyesight got worse, as it does, and so I got stronger prescriptions, to help alleviate the problem. Eventually I even got a pair of glasses that doubled as sun glasses, which I thought was pretty darn cool.

But it didn't fix the problem.

My eyesight was still bad: my vision was blurry, at a distance, and regardless of how long or how often I wore my glasses, whenever I took them off, my world still looked the same.

I think the heart is like that. We get hurt or damaged, and so we build walls around our hearts to try to "remedy" the problem, to be able to function. We pretend we don't feel pain, we act like it doesn't matter, but when we take those "glasses" off, we realize our view of the world around us is still warped from the twisted sight of our heart's eyes, caused by the damage that has been done to us. We haven't fixed the problem, what is actually causing us to see things incorrectly. We see the world as a dark and dangerous place, which it can be, but that's not how it's SUPPOSED to be.

The only way to fix bad vision permanently is with corrective surgery, like LASIK surgery or some other form of laser surgery. The same can be said for the heart. The only way to truly fix the damage that has been done is so remove the walls, that HIDE the damage, and get down to the core root of the problem and remove it. The only one who can truly do that is Christ, because, like a trained physician, he is truly able to understand the inner workings of our hearts, and knows his way around well enough to find the problem, and has the training and knowledge to fix it (c'mon, he CREATED the heart).

My prayer for myself is that as God continues to work on my heart, he'll heal my eyes as well and bring both to full restoration, so my eyes, which are "the entrance to the soul", may be a living testimony of what he has done to my heart, and I may show people how I was able to throw aside both pairs of "glasses", and live in true healing and perfect sight of the world around me.

~Char